leelee's Journal

12:28am: thoughts
i first felt it riding on the bus, freshman year. like clockwork, like 7th period, like breathing- it happened every day.

our bus route covered 6 stops, 7 if we took slauson and overhill. so depending on the day, at either the first stop or the second, i felt a warmth in my chest. an off ramp off the 110, a street sign. that's all it took to remind me of you. it turned me to mush. it burnt me at both ends.

it started in late september, and lasted every day that year until june. every day as we turned onto rosecrans, i thought of you, and my heart would beat faster.

at some point i stopped feeling that burning, that longing. i don't remember when really. it wasn't there when i wanted it to be, it wasn't there when it should have been.

...and now it's back. i wish i could say it never went away. i really wish i could say it wasn't here now.

2:44am: thoughts
i don't trust anyone, because i trusted you and you are gone.
i don't love anyone, because i loved you and you are gone.
i don't want anyone, becuase i wanted you and you are gone.

i have hands but no one to hold them.
i have fears but no one to calm them.
i have tears but no one to wipe them away.

i make unholy what was once sacred.
i make lies out of the purest truth.
i make pain where there once was comfort.

i struggle to assemble my thoughts in meaningless arrangements of the same inadequate 26 letters. i can't do justice the ramblings in my head. my heart is in shambles... i can't feel the fire that i know burns. i turned the world upside down and i'm still clinging to the walls, trying to reach the ceiling. trying to make sense of absurdity in a dark room. i'm afraid and alone. i'm lonely and unfulfilled. i hold on to what i can but it slips away when i look the other way... my heart's not in it.

was living this empty life worth what i gained? did i gain anything?

1:55pm: a dream
no one has that ring tone... but you. this is too good to be true! they hear it, and, with looks of suprise, begin nattering away about it. i just grab the phone and run clean out of my room, down the stairs, outside.

a thousand eager thoughts are running through my head. what do i say first? where do i begin? i never thought i'd get this oppurtunity. i never dreamt of it, in my wildest dreams. this day was never supposed to come.

i take a deep breath that does little to calm or prepare me, and i answer. i hear your voice on the other line, crackling with distorting static, yet perfectly clear to my ears. we were 2,954 miles apart, and now, we are right next to each other.

but your voice is odd. you're making jokes i don't understand. i could be wrong, but jokes just don't seem right for this moment. something is wrong.

suddenly you bray evilly. you, my dear, never laughed like that. and then i realize that i've been had. i hang up, fat tears of disappointment rolling down my face and into my mouth. i swallow them and walk back to my room, wondering how i'll explain this to them.

it was too good to be true.

11:58pm: a dream
The midday sun that reflects off the white pavement- it must be blinding you. You cannot possibly see me, you cannot possibly recognize me… because you are not turning away. We are oil and water. We can no longer occupy the same reality, let alone the same city.

The seconds are days and the distance from you to me is most easily measured in light years.

The sun is in your eyes, but they are open, and you do see me. You do see me! A smile spreads over your face like a butter-yellow dawn over a perfect green hill. I have never seen anything so beautiful.

And then we are arms and tears and apologies, and there is no space for air between us.